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Edit 24/08/13: changed some minor things, especially near the ending.

Word total: 1528

A promptless piece that I wrote inbetween working on my bigger story. Ending up like this old lady is definitely one of my greatest fears - to forget everything and ultimately, to end up a stranger in both this world and my body... how terrifying.

I don't think I should write dialogue between a dying parent and a child anymore for a while. It's seriously bad for your heart/feelings. :(

My critique for :iconthewrittenrevolution:: comments.deviantart.com/1/3688…

Some questions for those of you who want to help me out:
:bulletred: How did you feel about the way Tom explained everything to his son - was he too blunt? Too vague?
:bulletorange: Was the transition between the two parts too rapid?
:bulletyellow: What did you like most about this piece, if anything?
:bulletgreen: How about the least?
:bulletblue: Spelling/grammar errors? Weirdly structured sentences?
:bulletpink: General comments? :aww:

Comments and feedback appreciated, as always. :heart:
:iconccwelcomedplz1::iconccwelcomedplz2:
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you so much for reading & for taking the time to type a response! :heart: I really appreciate it.

I see what you mean about giving him too much hope. But I also think it'd be very difficult for some parents to be blunt about what's going on, so that's why I chose for Tom to act this way. :) I'm happy the ending gives off the vibe I was going for. I myself am absolutely terrified of ever ending up with some kind of dementia. :stare:

It's a pretty old piece, so I had to go and check the beginning as well, haha. I guess it does sort of come out of the blue. Very good point about 1st person perspective though, I'll be sure to keep that in mind if I ever decide to revise this!

:iconpinklilyplz:
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:iconakashasdreamworld:
AkashasDreamworld Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is awesome!! I finally got around to read it too and I'm angry at not doing it sooner! The whole structure and way you built up the story made it impossible to loose focus and think of something else. I just realized my head is almost touching the screen so I'll move away now. Okay better.
It's a really sad story though, and it scares me a bit as well. I always thought that I would rather die than not remember my family and the way you described the mother was amazing. As well as the relationship between husband and wife and son - made me teary eyed.
:clap: I am constantly amazed at your talent! :heart:
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2013  Student Writer
I'm always happy to hear that you liked it! I hope you didn't bump your head against the screen, or I'd feel guilty. ^^;

I would prefer to die before forgetting people, but I take some comfort in the fact that what I don't remember can't hurt me... so in essence, my loved ones get screwed over while I happily continue with my life. :stare:

:thanks: Thank you... :blush:
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:iconakashasdreamworld:
AkashasDreamworld Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Nah, I just got real close x)

That sounds ..greaaat. :stare: I wouldn't know what I'm doing, but hurting them like that... I don't know. I'm afraid of getting old anyways ^^;

:tighthug:
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Student Writer
Aw, that's understandable... :iconsootheplz: Who knows, maybe they will have found a cure or something to revert brain damage with by the time we start to age seriously. :aww:
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:iconakashasdreamworld:
AkashasDreamworld Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
That would be so awesome! :iconhooray-plz: Maybe we'll then have the memory storage of elephants :stare: Then we'd never forget!
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013  Student Writer
Yeah! :iconkawaiipandaplz: Or what about something more technologic, where we can store our memories onto the computer before we go to bed with some kind of cable? :dummy:
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:iconakashasdreamworld:
AkashasDreamworld Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
YEAH :iconpanicatthediscoplz: ... but I wouldn't want to remember everything. That would be a pain, don't you think? I mean, literally. If you can precisely remember how it felt when you stumbled last Tuesday then you'd be feeling the pain again, ergo: INFINITE PAIN :stare:
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Student Writer
Good point. :icondidyoujustplz: But you can recall memories without feeling the physical pain!
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(1 Reply)
:icondawnardent:
DawnArdent Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013
Hey, nicely written story! I like that you kept it simple and straightforward. You're good at conveying emotions, and it has nice flow. ^_^

On to some criticism:

(There's a typo, 'enthusiasm' with an extra 'o'.)

In my opinion, you should cut the last part with the old lady sitting by the window. In this case, less is more; leaving the ending at the light is much better and feels complete. (If you want to write about the old lady, just make it a new story. Don't suddenly turn a side-character into a main one at the ending unless you're trying to make a plot twist or something similar.)

A remark about formatting: I'd advise to stick with having a blank line after each paragraph - it's much more readable if it's consistent. You can use tabs instead (or both), but there's no need to save space if its in digital format. You can still separate sections as you have done. With formatting, consistency is key, because otherwise it distracts from your content.
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you for the comment & compliments! :huggle: I don't think I'm good with writing about emotions, so it's definitely nice to hear that you thought I did a good job.

Whoops, fixed the typo. Thanks for pointing it out! I don't agree with cutting the part about the lady, though. It's supposed to read as two stories that happen to intertwine at a point. :) I do see your point, the guy and his family alone would make for a story on its own, but I don't think it will be the same if I remove it.

I'm not sure if I understand the last part of your comment - do you mean the blank lines aren't showing up for you? In my browser at least, there's a blank line inbetween the paragraphs. Or did I misunderstand your remark? ^^;
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:icondawnardent:
DawnArdent Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013
Ups, I just figured out you can press that little 'pi' sign above the text to auto-tab everything. >_<

Maybe we don't see the same thing in our browser, but what I see is a few blocks of text separated by empty lines, and within those blocks, the paragraphs are separated by only newlines (when you just press enter, but don't leave empty space). My point is that you should stick to one or the other, and not combine both. (Like in physical books, you almost never see empty lines, each paragraph is newlined and tabbed.) Anyway, this is really just a very minor thing. :)
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Student Writer
*for it in my next story
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Student Writer
The blocks are supposed to be the paragraphs. :) I tend to press enter in the paragraphs when one person stops talking, and the other person begins so I don't mix them up! :D So I didn't intentionally combine them. I'll keep an eye out for my next story though. :huggle:
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:icondawnardent:
DawnArdent Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013
Haha, each person talking IS the paragraph! Blocks are just blocks. :D
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Student Writer
You know, you actually helped me realize that just now. :omg: I never even noticed that before! Aw man, I feel incredibly stupid now (and a little bit upset that no one ever bothered to tell me, haha). I decided to give it a try here, hopefully it's more consistent now. :) Thanks again for pointing it out and sorry for my incredible slowness, but I think I finally figured it out. :faint: Or at least made an improvement.
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:icondawnardent:
DawnArdent Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013
Hehe, don't worry about it! Glad I could be of help. ^_^
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013  Student Writer
Hey, forgive me if I'm wrong, but has your DD... disappeared? :wow: What happened?
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(1 Reply)
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
How did you feel about the way Tom explained everything to his son - was he too blunt? Too vague?

... It was as expected... it was soft and sad and outright sorrow... the way its meant to be...

Was the transition between the two parts too rapid?

... it just passed on... roman numerals would have provided a significant amount of closure in terms of transition... but that's an opinion...

What did you like most about this piece, if anything?

the ending and the interaction between Tom and his son... both definitely stood out.

How about the least?

Nothing in particular.

Spelling/grammar errors? Weirdly structured sentences?

I didn't pay much heed to them. For the most part it flowed out naturally.

General comments?

I beg to differ... one should every once in a while write something like this... its different form what one usually reads... it is worth thinking about...
Reply
:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2013  Student Writer
The dialogue with father & son was my favourite part as well, even though it was the most painful thing to write. Not even the grandma, which I expected would be hard since it was somewhat from personal experience. I almost didn't finish the piece because I felt horrible for creating characters and then putting them through misery...

Thanks for your comment, your thoughts are always interesting to hear! (That's a compliment!) :D
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
*nodding* I can imagine the strain you were going through. Unfortunately, I just like putting people through misery, only to show how they rise up to the occasion. Kinda makes me feel "yeah, I'm the Maker" *saying that in a mocking Batman accent*

but its good every now and then. It basically shows... that a part of you is willing to make sacrifices.
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2013  Student Writer
I never quite thought of it that way. :) If you put your characters in a horrible situation, do they tend to produce their actions? Or do you decide how they should react to something?
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
they tend to become... more prone to circumstances... it shows how they'll react to that given situation...

It becomes them a reaction borne out of necessity...
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:iconfeekmasterson:
feekmasterson Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
i cant even describe how amazing this is. its absolutely beautiful. you honestly got me all choked up. the dialogue between tom and nathan was one of the most amazing things ive read in a long time. and ive lost a couple relatives to alzheimers, so you really pulled my heartstrings with the old woman too. everything about this is magnificent. even though its extremely melancholy and almost verges on bleak and hopeless (at least for tom's mother), its utterly magnificent. i really cant think of enough praise for this. absolutely mind-blowing.
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2013  Student Writer
While I feel somewhat sorry for making you feel that way I'm very pleased that I was able to move you. :blushes: I hope that doesn't seem offending to you...

I've 'only' lost one aunt to Alzheimers and it was horrible (especially for her husband, who was still mentally okay), so I used some of those experiences in this story. I'm sorry to hear that some of your relatives developed it. :(

Well, I could go on talking about stuff for a while but I wouldn't want to bother you, so for now I'll just say - thank you for your words! :huggle:
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:iconfeekmasterson:
feekmasterson Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
no that doesnt offend me at all. theres something very special about a work of art that can move you so much, regardless of what it moves you too. and this is most definitely something very special. im going to stop myself before i launch into another wave of massive praise (all of it completely deserved) lol.

im very sorry to hear that you have lost someone to alzheimers as well. :(

it wouldnt bother me at all if you wanted to talk about stuff. if youd ever like to talk to me about anything, just comment or note me or something. it would be 100 percent not bothering to me at all :nod: besides, stuff is one of my favorite things to talk about lol. really though, im here for anyone who wants to talk :aww:

and you are most welcome for my words! once again, this is an amazing work of art. and i cant say just how amazing, since there hasnt been a word invented yet that accurately describes it. so again youre totally welcome, and again (again) fantastic job!! :hug:
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Student Writer
I'm glad that it didn't, and thank you for the kind words! :) You can send me that wave of praise anytime, haha :laughing: :hug:

I'll keep that in mind! For some reason I tend to think I'm annoying people, so it's good to be reassured like this. :D
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:iconcranberry413:
Cranberry413 Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2013
Oh my gosh. :sniff: I think this is one of your best pieces yet!
I really loved the dialogue between Tom and Nathan. I've never seen/heard something quite like that before so I thought it was cute and original. :meow:

To answer your questions:
:bulletblue: How did you feel about the way Tom explained everything to his son - was he too blunt? Too vague?
I don't think so! I actually really liked it. I think it was actually far from blunt. Maybe I'm thinking of blunt in the wrong context or something, but I would think that if he said something more.. True I guess, that would have been more blunt. Am I making any sense? I'm not entirely sure how old Nathan is, but I get the impression he's very young, so I think it was actually perfect. It may have been too vague if Nathan were older, but as it seems I think the Mom can always explain it more in detail when he's slightly older. My point is: it's believable!
:bulletblue: Was the transition between the two parts too rapid?
I think it could have been less rapid, but I like it the way it is. I don't think everything needs to be explained all the time. The point is made and there are enough details for the reader to understand what's happening, so it's good just the way it is. :aww:
:bulletblue: What did you like most about this piece, if anything?
I hate these kinds of questions! I liked the whole piece to be honest.. :blushes: I guess I'll just go with the part that stuck out the most: In the very end, when the old woman picks up the picture frame and says she still has her son, then asks when he'll come by again. That was really sad, and I think you hit the nail on the head (so to speak :P) when showing what happens to people like that. Good job with it! And actually, now I think about a little more.. I think my favorite part might be the dialogue. It was all very believable, and I really liked the part where Nathan was trying to convince his dad to stay. That was so heartbreaking :tears: Actually, the part where he says "Thanks for raising me".. That was really sad too! Oh my gosh... I love this piece a lot. :aww:
:bulletblue: How about the least?
I didn't have a least favorite part! There was one part that was a little weird, but I guess little kids don't really know any better. ^^; I just found it odd that Nathan said he would marry his mom until his dad came back.
:bulletblue: Spelling/grammar errors? Weirdly structured sentences?
I found a couple mistakes, but they're all simple things like missing apostrophes (that I now can't find.. :stare:) Otherwise, I don't think there was anything!
:bulletblue: General comments?
Umm.. This was amazing! Like.. Seriously. :nod:
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2013  Student Writer
Wow, that's great to hear! :D It seems to get a lot of positive feedback, and I didn't even polish it to death... feels kind of bad, but alright. Maybe rough is good once in a while. :nod:

In my mind Nathan was a young kid as well, so that makes sense. :) The mom told her son that daddy'd be leaving for a while but she didn't tell him why... I felt bad for creating these characters while I was writing them, just for putting them through suffering... :(

And the strange thing was, this piece sprouted from the idea of having a lady with Alzheimers wonder whether her (actually dead) son would come visit her again. I ended up putting most of the effort in the conversation between father & son. ^^;

I hate those questions too, so sorry for asking them! =P I'm glad that the ending had some kind of impact on you, that's really good to hear. :blushes: I based the 'marry my mom' part on my brothers, actually. They used to fight over who would get to marry my mom when they were older, haha. I thought most kids did that!

Missing apostrophes? Where? :stare: Must... fix!

Thank you Berry :heart: Your comments always make me happy!
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:iconcranberry413:
Cranberry413 Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2013
I'm happy you think so! :aww: Most people don't polish their stories like you do, so mistakes aren't as noticed as you think ;)

Aww, don't feel bad :( I'm sure they'll be fine :D

I think the story worked out perfectly! I actually think I like it better this way than I would if you'd concentrated more on her Alzheimer's.. ^^;

I don't know about most kids, but that makes sense that you'd do it if you've heard of it before. :nod:

You're so welcome! :heart:
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Student Writer
That's a good thing, I feel a little bit less nervous about uploading things now. :giggle:
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:iconcranberry413:
Cranberry413 Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013
I'm happy to hear that! Some mistakes every once in a while show that you are indeed human =P
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013  Student Writer
I don't know what you're talking about.
:iconrobotplz:
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:iconcranberry413:
Cranberry413 Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013
Riiight... :giggle:
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013  Student Writer
Shhh. :icontehestareplz:
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(1 Reply)
:icond4rkslayer:
d4rkslayer Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2013
I think you forgot the space between "each" and "other" (line 9).
I'll give you a complete comment on your piece tomorrow. Gonna sleep right now... Sorry ^^U
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2013  Student Writer
Oops, you're right about that! I'll fix it. :aww: Have a (belated) good night!
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:icond4rkslayer:
d4rkslayer Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2013
Okay... for me, the first part of the story was... heartbreaking. I could perfectly imagine how Tom felt while he was talking to his son. It brought me back some memories of my aunt, who fell sick and died in a simmilar way. Very touching indeed ^^ That's the part I liked the most from your piece.
I could feel part of Tom's frustration as well, when his mother didn't recognize him... Unfortunately these events are common nowadays :S
I don't find the transition between the two parts so rapid... Indeed, I'd divide this piece in three parts: first the conversation between Tom and his son, second the appearance of miss Bell and Tom's death and third, miss Bell alone in the residence XD
I will not say that I like these kind of stories but you did a great job here. This piece is packed with feelings that anyone would be able to understand.

One last thing: Tom's death... well, it was a little cliche but... that's the way we would want it to happen ^^
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you for taking the time to write a thoughtful comment! :huggle:
It was difficult to write the dialogue between the parent and the child... and the part I worked the most on. So I'm glad that you 'liked' it (as you said, with sensitive subjects like these it's hard to say that you liked it). I'm sorry to have brought back some memories though... :iconsootheplz:

Yes, things similar to/like Alzheimers seems all the more common these days. Absolutely a terrible way to go in my opinion, alienated from everyone else. :no:

I fully agree with his passing being cliche. To be honest, I just thought "Screw it. This guy deserves a non-excruciating death!" :faint:
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