| Literature / Prose / Fiction / General Fiction / Short Stories | ©2013 ~Laeneris |
The Journal Portal
Browse Journals |
Polls |
deviantART [dee·vee·un'nt·ART]
Keep in Touch!
|
Deviousness |
It's a really sad story though, and it scares me a bit as well. I always thought that I would rather die than not remember my family and the way you described the mother was amazing. As well as the relationship between husband and wife and son - made me teary eyed.
I would prefer to die before forgetting people, but I take some comfort in the fact that what I don't remember can't hurt me... so in essence, my loved ones get screwed over while I happily continue with my life.
That sounds ..greaaat.
On to some criticism:
(There's a typo, 'enthusiasm' with an extra 'o'.)
In my opinion, you should cut the last part with the old lady sitting by the window. In this case, less is more; leaving the ending at the light is much better and feels complete. (If you want to write about the old lady, just make it a new story. Don't suddenly turn a side-character into a main one at the ending unless you're trying to make a plot twist or something similar.)
A remark about formatting: I'd advise to stick with having a blank line after each paragraph - it's much more readable if it's consistent. You can use tabs instead (or both), but there's no need to save space if its in digital format. You can still separate sections as you have done. With formatting, consistency is key, because otherwise it distracts from your content.
Whoops, fixed the typo. Thanks for pointing it out! I don't agree with cutting the part about the lady, though. It's supposed to read as two stories that happen to intertwine at a point.
I'm not sure if I understand the last part of your comment - do you mean the blank lines aren't showing up for you? In my browser at least, there's a blank line inbetween the paragraphs. Or did I misunderstand your remark?