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January 20, 2013
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Edit 24/08/13: changed some minor things, especially near the ending.

Word total: 1528

A promptless piece that I wrote inbetween working on my bigger story. Ending up like this old lady is definitely one of my greatest fears - to forget everything and ultimately, to end up a stranger in both this world and my body... how terrifying.

I don't think I should write dialogue between a dying parent and a child anymore for a while. It's seriously bad for your heart/feelings. :(

My critique for :iconthewrittenrevolution:: comments.deviantart.com/1/3688…

Some questions for those of you who want to help me out:
:bulletred: How did you feel about the way Tom explained everything to his son - was he too blunt? Too vague?
:bulletorange: Was the transition between the two parts too rapid?
:bulletyellow: What did you like most about this piece, if anything?
:bulletgreen: How about the least?
:bulletblue: Spelling/grammar errors? Weirdly structured sentences?
:bulletpink: General comments? :aww:

Comments and feedback appreciated, as always. :heart:
:iconccwelcomedplz1::iconccwelcomedplz2:
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you so much for reading & for taking the time to type a response! :heart: I really appreciate it.

I see what you mean about giving him too much hope. But I also think it'd be very difficult for some parents to be blunt about what's going on, so that's why I chose for Tom to act this way. :) I'm happy the ending gives off the vibe I was going for. I myself am absolutely terrified of ever ending up with some kind of dementia. :stare:

It's a pretty old piece, so I had to go and check the beginning as well, haha. I guess it does sort of come out of the blue. Very good point about 1st person perspective though, I'll be sure to keep that in mind if I ever decide to revise this!

:iconpinklilyplz:
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:iconakashasdreamworld:
AkashasDreamworld Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is awesome!! I finally got around to read it too and I'm angry at not doing it sooner! The whole structure and way you built up the story made it impossible to loose focus and think of something else. I just realized my head is almost touching the screen so I'll move away now. Okay better.
It's a really sad story though, and it scares me a bit as well. I always thought that I would rather die than not remember my family and the way you described the mother was amazing. As well as the relationship between husband and wife and son - made me teary eyed.
:clap: I am constantly amazed at your talent! :heart:
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2013  Student Writer
I'm always happy to hear that you liked it! I hope you didn't bump your head against the screen, or I'd feel guilty. ^^;

I would prefer to die before forgetting people, but I take some comfort in the fact that what I don't remember can't hurt me... so in essence, my loved ones get screwed over while I happily continue with my life. :stare:

:thanks: Thank you... :blush:
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:iconakashasdreamworld:
AkashasDreamworld Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Nah, I just got real close x)

That sounds ..greaaat. :stare: I wouldn't know what I'm doing, but hurting them like that... I don't know. I'm afraid of getting old anyways ^^;

:tighthug:
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Student Writer
Aw, that's understandable... :iconsootheplz: Who knows, maybe they will have found a cure or something to revert brain damage with by the time we start to age seriously. :aww:
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:iconakashasdreamworld:
AkashasDreamworld Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
That would be so awesome! :iconhooray-plz: Maybe we'll then have the memory storage of elephants :stare: Then we'd never forget!
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013  Student Writer
Yeah! :iconkawaiipandaplz: Or what about something more technologic, where we can store our memories onto the computer before we go to bed with some kind of cable? :dummy:
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:iconakashasdreamworld:
AkashasDreamworld Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
YEAH :iconpanicatthediscoplz: ... but I wouldn't want to remember everything. That would be a pain, don't you think? I mean, literally. If you can precisely remember how it felt when you stumbled last Tuesday then you'd be feeling the pain again, ergo: INFINITE PAIN :stare:
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Student Writer
Good point. :icondidyoujustplz: But you can recall memories without feeling the physical pain!
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