Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:iconlaeneris: More from Laeneris


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
January 20, 2013
File Size
8.5 KB
Thumb

Stats

Views
223
Favourites
14 (who?)
Comments
45
Downloads
1
×

Laeneris has limited the viewing of this artwork
to members of the deviantART community only.

You can log in or become a member for FREE!

Edit 24/08/13: changed some minor things, especially near the ending.

Word total: 1528

A promptless piece that I wrote inbetween working on my bigger story. Ending up like this old lady is definitely one of my greatest fears - to forget everything and ultimately, to end up a stranger in both this world and my body... how terrifying.

I don't think I should write dialogue between a dying parent and a child anymore for a while. It's seriously bad for your heart/feelings. :(

My critique for :iconthewrittenrevolution:: comments.deviantart.com/1/3688…

Some questions for those of you who want to help me out:
:bulletred: How did you feel about the way Tom explained everything to his son - was he too blunt? Too vague?
:bulletorange: Was the transition between the two parts too rapid?
:bulletyellow: What did you like most about this piece, if anything?
:bulletgreen: How about the least?
:bulletblue: Spelling/grammar errors? Weirdly structured sentences?
:bulletpink: General comments? :aww:

Comments and feedback appreciated, as always. :heart:
:iconccwelcomedplz1::iconccwelcomedplz2:
Add a Comment:
 
:iconakashasdreamworld:
AkashasDreamworld Jan 29, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is awesome!! I finally got around to read it too and I'm angry at not doing it sooner! The whole structure and way you built up the story made it impossible to loose focus and think of something else. I just realized my head is almost touching the screen so I'll move away now. Okay better.
It's a really sad story though, and it scares me a bit as well. I always thought that I would rather die than not remember my family and the way you described the mother was amazing. As well as the relationship between husband and wife and son - made me teary eyed.
:clap: I am constantly amazed at your talent! :heart:
Reply
:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Jan 30, 2013  Student Writer
I'm always happy to hear that you liked it! I hope you didn't bump your head against the screen, or I'd feel guilty. ^^;

I would prefer to die before forgetting people, but I take some comfort in the fact that what I don't remember can't hurt me... so in essence, my loved ones get screwed over while I happily continue with my life. :stare:

:thanks: Thank you... :blush:
Reply
:iconakashasdreamworld:
AkashasDreamworld Jan 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Nah, I just got real close x)

That sounds ..greaaat. :stare: I wouldn't know what I'm doing, but hurting them like that... I don't know. I'm afraid of getting old anyways ^^;

:tighthug:
Reply
:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Jan 31, 2013  Student Writer
Aw, that's understandable... :iconsootheplz: Who knows, maybe they will have found a cure or something to revert brain damage with by the time we start to age seriously. :aww:
Reply
:iconakashasdreamworld:
AkashasDreamworld Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
That would be so awesome! :iconhooray-plz: Maybe we'll then have the memory storage of elephants :stare: Then we'd never forget!
Reply
:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Feb 1, 2013  Student Writer
Yeah! :iconkawaiipandaplz: Or what about something more technologic, where we can store our memories onto the computer before we go to bed with some kind of cable? :dummy:
Reply
:iconakashasdreamworld:
AkashasDreamworld Feb 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
YEAH :iconpanicatthediscoplz: ... but I wouldn't want to remember everything. That would be a pain, don't you think? I mean, literally. If you can precisely remember how it felt when you stumbled last Tuesday then you'd be feeling the pain again, ergo: INFINITE PAIN :stare:
Reply
:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Feb 4, 2013  Student Writer
Good point. :icondidyoujustplz: But you can recall memories without feeling the physical pain!
Reply
(1 Reply)
:icondawnardent:
Hey, nicely written story! I like that you kept it simple and straightforward. You're good at conveying emotions, and it has nice flow. ^_^

On to some criticism:

(There's a typo, 'enthusiasm' with an extra 'o'.)

In my opinion, you should cut the last part with the old lady sitting by the window. In this case, less is more; leaving the ending at the light is much better and feels complete. (If you want to write about the old lady, just make it a new story. Don't suddenly turn a side-character into a main one at the ending unless you're trying to make a plot twist or something similar.)

A remark about formatting: I'd advise to stick with having a blank line after each paragraph - it's much more readable if it's consistent. You can use tabs instead (or both), but there's no need to save space if its in digital format. You can still separate sections as you have done. With formatting, consistency is key, because otherwise it distracts from your content.
Reply
:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Jan 26, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you for the comment & compliments! :huggle: I don't think I'm good with writing about emotions, so it's definitely nice to hear that you thought I did a good job.

Whoops, fixed the typo. Thanks for pointing it out! I don't agree with cutting the part about the lady, though. It's supposed to read as two stories that happen to intertwine at a point. :) I do see your point, the guy and his family alone would make for a story on its own, but I don't think it will be the same if I remove it.

I'm not sure if I understand the last part of your comment - do you mean the blank lines aren't showing up for you? In my browser at least, there's a blank line inbetween the paragraphs. Or did I misunderstand your remark? ^^;
Reply
Add a Comment: