Ashes to AshesStuck in the fire
Hi Thor! I'm finally here - sorry that it took a while. I've already told you, honestly, I am very bad with poetry. Therefore I would consider my opinion mostly not valid, but hopefully there will be something in here that helps you.
The first impression I got after reading was 'phoenix.' I'm pretty certain that was somewhat of your intention (right?) so good job! I could see its rebirth in my mind very clearly. That is, the imagery you've used here was great. I especially liked the first stanza.
I thought the title was appropriate for this piece, since it quite literally mirrors what happens. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, isn't that how it goes?
Subject of poem
I do think this subject has become a bit cliche (but then again, what hasn't these days?). There's not really anything new you've added to it. I would've loved to see an original take on the concept of rebirth and what you've called the circle of life. This poem seemed a bit generic to me.
Execution of poem
This might just be me, but I cannot envision how this would be a song. I'm assuming it'd be a song because of the category it's in. There's no visible distinction between verse and chorus. I'm not saying you should simply repeat a stanza 3 times and call it a chorus, but maybe if you added more structure I could begin to see this as a song.
The final line seems to add a gloomy or perhaps eerie feel to what otherwise would've given me the impression of a positive poem. I'm not quite sure if that's what you were going for, but I liked it! It reminded me that not everything is permanent, that bad things will thankfully end but that the same goes for good and nice things.
As for the final three strophes, I feel as if the point to the entire poem is hidden in here. To me, the meaning was this: no matter how terrible or beautiful life seems, in the end, life is nothing but an endless cycle.
Somehow, I feel like everything before that could be shortened to get to the point. As in, the rebirth could be described with less words and still give the reader the same idea.
I couldn't really feel the flow here, if you could call it that. I tried reading it out loud. The line breaks sound a bit unnatural and forced. You've cut off sentences at places so that the next line usually becomes a stand-alone sentence, even if an entire stanza is just one sentence. Did that make any sense?
Grammar, spelling, style etc.
The ash is that where
we all have our end
Now this part seemed a little bit choppy to me. Perhaps you could try 'there' instead of 'that?'
Just a tiny thing: in the fifth stanza it should be 'its' instead of 'it's' because it indicates possesion.
All in all I think that you have a good base here, but I feel like it needs more shaping. The stanzas are irregular and I had problems finding a logical way through them. It feels to me as if there's a lesson in the poem, but I can't through to get to it. I think it could be modified to express the initial idea of the poem in a clearer way.
Well, that's all I can say about this. I'm honestly sorry for my words and I hope you haven't been offended by anything I've said. People have different opinions and I'm sure others would give an entirely different critique. Please remember that nothing I've said is aimed at you as a person, only at this particular piece. And as always, feel free to disagree with me.
The first stanza of the critique is really not worth mentioning, I have asked for this and know what I'm getting ^-^
Generic comments: LEt me begin with saying that you are partly right about the phoenix, the phoenix reference is there to set symbolic value, But the phoenix is not the point of the poem, it just symbolizes a trait that is the founding for this poem.. which I will get back too later.
Thank you, ashes to ashes is the name I choose because it is often used about the life of a phoenix which gives another reference too it.
Subject of the poem: Here I will have to interfere, because I do not think you have got the poem right. This poem is not about the circle of life directly, it's part of the imaginary to give the poem more layers where it can be taken as the literal meaning of a phoenix & rebirth or the intended and hidden meaning about social pressure and bullying. Let me instead ask you if you think the real intention of the poem doesn't show good enough?
Execution of poem: HEre you are right, as I wrote in the description this never ended up as intended and as a bi-effect of that it never became a songtext like intended. I just never went back and changed it because I didn't think anyone would notice.. should have know things like that never get past your watchful eye
for the meaning you have gotten one of my central points which is very good, but I don't think you quite catched the context/setting I tried to build up around it. there is a story about a undefined person stringing through the entire poem, hiding him/herself behind the mighty presence of the phoenix.
Again I wonder if I might made this a little to hard too catch(?)
Yes the point is laying in the last strophes and would only the apparent meaning of the phoenix be the backbone of the poem I could easily have shortened it, it is for my hidden "protagonist" sake the rest is present.
Grammar and pelling: Agreed, those are simply good old fashioned typos
Hmmm.. I think you are right that I might have concealed it too well, but I am not quite sure how to change it without giving it away too easily? I am not going to change the meaning though, because I am very pleased about the message the poem bears.. but rather finding a better way to express it.
As I said in the beginning I know what I asked for and am ready for it, there is no need to apologize for it.
You don't know how relieved I am to see you're not upset (or you're just hiding it, but I hope not). I tried my best but it seems like I've failed.
I see. So there's actually a hidden meaning here... in that case, I think it's been hidden too well, actually. It's easy to form the connection when someone tells you. For example, now that I know, I'm thinking 'Oooh, that makes sense.' But to me this could've meant 20 different things. I don't think there were strong enough hints pointing towards bullying and/or social pressure, that it was too abstract to say for certain what the meaning behind it was.
Of course interpreting poetry isn't my best point so that might just be me. You could ask others to be more sure? The only thing I can think of to make your hidden protagonist more visible would be to add 'I' in there somewhere, to indicate that whoever is burning is not only the phoenix (as I initially thought). I agree that the meaning doesn't need to be changed, but the expression of it might.
Haha thank you alot, my may not have realized it but you have been too more help than you can imagine. You see I aim to make my poetry accessible to all and seeing how you struggled with the poem I certainly haven't reached that goal. On the same time you give me insight on possible solutions by dragging forth examples that could make "you" understand them better and in that way a broader audience.
Mission accomplished, thank you!
I'm all cheered up now! So it turns out I was able to help you after all.
I always try to give at least one solution on what would improve the piece for me, because without examples stating that something doesn't work means nothing.